Spiritual Outlook on Abuse

In a recent conference from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, one of leaders of the relgion spoke on abuse. I feel there is a lot of good from speach.
I will include the whole talk below:


To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse
Elder Richard G. Scott
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles


The power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I bear solemn witness of how deeply I love our new prophet, seer, and revelator, President Thomas S. Monson—how deeply I trust him, and how I am willing to do whatever he asks me to do.

Some matters are so sensitive and intensely personal and can awaken such disturbing feelings that they are seldom mentioned publicly. Yet, if tenderly and compassionately treated in the light of truth, discussion of these matters can bring greater understanding, with the easing of pain, the blessing of healing, and even the avoidance of further tragedy.

It is with a deep desire to define a path to relief that I speak to you who suffer the shattering consequences of mental, verbal, physical, and especially sexual abuse. I speak also to those of you who cause it. I will focus on sexual abuse, although the counsel given should help the victims of other mistreatment. My intent is to act as a mirror so that divine, healing light can illuminate the dark clouds of distress caused by others’ unrighteous acts. May I be aided to communicate understandably, to provide help, and not further complicate a damaged life. It is also likely that greater understanding, awareness, and sensitivity may permit some of the rest of us to help resolve or prevent the tragedy of abuse in additional victims.

The rising tide of this vicious, abominable sin may not have touched your life personally. Yet it is pervasive enough in the world that it may have touched someone you love. It frequently causes such profound suffering—that can be overcome—that I want to speak of how healing can be attained. It will be done reverently, for my objective is to help heal and not aggravate painful memories.

Agency

Moral agency is a vital element in our Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness. He understood that some of His spirit children would use that agency improperly, causing serious problems to others. Some would even violate sacred trust, such as a father or family member abusing an innocent child. Since our Heavenly Father is completely just, there has to be a way of overcoming the tragic consequences of such damaging use of agency for both the victim and the perpetrator. That secure healing comes through the power of the Atonement of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, to rectify that which is unjust. Faith in Jesus Christ and in His power to heal provides the abused with the means to overcome the terrible consequences of another’s unrighteous acts. When combined with complete repentance, the Atonement also affords the perpetrator a way to avoid the severe punishment the Lord has decreed for such acts.

To the Victim

I testify that I know victims of serious abuse who have successfully made the difficult journey to full healing through the power of the Atonement. After her own concerns were resolved by her faith in the healing power of the Atonement, one young woman who had been severely abused by her father requested another interview with me. She returned with an older couple. I could sense that she loved the two very deeply. Her face radiated happiness. She began, “Elder Scott, this is my father. I love him. He’s concerned about some things that happened in my early childhood. They are no longer a problem for me. Could you help him?” What a powerful confirmation of the Savior’s capacity to heal! She no longer suffered from the consequences of abuse, because she had adequate understanding of His Atonement, sufficient faith, and was obedient to His law. As you conscientiously study the Atonement and exercise your faith that Jesus Christ has the power to heal, you can receive the same blessed relief. During your journey of recovery, accept His invitation to let Him share your burden until you have sufficient time and strength to be healed.

To find relief from the consequences of abuse, it is helpful to understand their source. Satan is the author of all of the destructive outcomes of abuse. He has extraordinary capacity to lead an individual into blind alleys where the solution to extremely challenging problems cannot be found. His strategy is to separate the suffering soul from the healing attainable from a compassionate Heavenly Father and a loving Redeemer.

If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help.

Satan uses your abuse to undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust in authority, create fear, and generate feelings of despair. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. You must have faith that all of these negative consequences can be resolved; otherwise they will keep you from full recovery. While these outcomes have powerful influence in your life, they do not define the real you.

Satan will strive to alienate you from your Father in Heaven with the thought that if He loved you He would have prevented the tragedy. Do not be kept from the very source of true healing by the craftiness of the prince of evil and his wicked lies. Recognize that if you have feelings that you are not loved by your Father in Heaven, you are being manipulated by Satan. Even when it may seem very difficult to pray, kneel and ask Father in Heaven to give you the capacity to trust Him and to feel His love for you. Ask to come to know that His Son can heal you through His merciful Atonement.

It was Satan’s proposal that Father’s children be forced to obey, that there be no moral agency and therefore no personal growth. To preserve moral agency, the Lord does not restrain individuals from improper use of that agency. However, He will punish them for such acts unless there is full repentance. Through the Holy Ghost, He sends warning promptings to the abuser, but often that individual’s degrading appetite is so powerful that it blocks out that spiritual guidance. That is why our Father provided a way to heal the consequences of acts that, through force, misuse of authority, or fear of another, temporarily take away the agency of the abused.

The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it.

Healing may begin with a thoughtful bishop or stake president or a wise professional counselor. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn’t decide to fix it yourself. Serious abuse can also benefit from professional help. There are many ways to begin healing, but remember that a full cure comes through the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Master and Redeemer. Have faith that with effort His perfect, eternal, infinite Atonement can heal your suffering from the consequences of abuse.

As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.1

If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fear—for fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help.

Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities.

To the Perpetrator

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse: recognize that you need help with your addiction or it will destroy you. You will not overcome it by yourself. You likely need specialized professional help. I plead with you to seek to be rescued now. You likely have deceived yourself in the false, temporary security that you have successfully hidden your transgression from the civil or Church authorities. But know that the Lord Jesus Christ is completely aware of your sins. He has warned: “Whoso shall offend one of these little ones . . . , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”2 Know that even without action by a victim, your act of abuse will be publicly known, for Satan will expose you, then abandon you.

Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke. Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others. Talk to your bishop or stake president. The seriousness of your acts may require you to face civil and Church discipline. But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life. It will also bring relief to the abused and their families. You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another’s life. Recognize that it is much easier to repent in this life than it will be in the next, so repent now. You will be helped when you decide to be freed from your addiction through repentance and the support of others. Be grateful that you didn’t live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance.3

To Parents

Parents, in appropriate, sensitive ways, teach your children of the potential danger of abuse and how to avoid it. Be aware of warning signs, such as an abrupt change in a child’s behavior, that may signal a problem. Be alert to a child’s unsettled feelings and identify their origin.

To Judges in Israel

To you who hold the keys of a judge in Israel, painstakingly assure that every individual that is suffering from abuse receives appropriate help. The Church handbook and the help line listed there are valuable resources to guide your ecclesiastical action and coordination with civil authorities.4 Carefully supervise the participation of any individual who may have had past offenses. Recognize that it is very unlikely that a perpetrator will confess his depraved acts. Seek the guidance of the Spirit when you feel that something may be amiss. Enlist the help of ward and stake leaders to avoid potential dangers.

I pray that you, as one abused or one who has caused it, will act now to avail yourself of the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I testify that your faith and obedience will assure that He will help you. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Stop The Violence 51-75

51. Offer Releif child care
52. Forego a grudge
53. Remember a kind act
54. Love, not litigate
55. Do random acts of beauty and kindness
56. Speak your love; then speak it again
57. Remember-anger is just one letter away from danger
58. Say hello to your neighbor
59. Allow kids their childhood
60. Empathize
61. Don't retaliate
62. Say thank you
63. Speak out against hate
64. Organize a neighborhood party
65. Become a foster Parent
66. Organize or join a neighborhood watch
67. View Your children as a joy
68. Become a Proctor Parent
69. Dare to get involved
70. Volunteer for local Boys and Girls Clubs
71. Speak out against intolerance
72. Curb disaraging remarks
73. Support Youth Groups
74. Respect for others begins with self-respect
75. Just do it!

(once again this and the other lists are provided by Division of Youth Corrections)

Sorrowful Morning

Usually I do not comment on cases, or articles about abuse or murder. I would be able to find 100's of articles on the subject daily.

Monday afternoon, an amber alert was sent out for a girl missing in a local community.

When I got to work this morning, I visited the local newspaper's website. The top news story was the girl's body was found. Just a few blocks away.

I am hurt, sad, and even angry. How? I hurt for the family, grieve for them, and to be honest do not understand the pain they are going through.

I am angry at those who were invovled in her death. I do not have the whole story, and care not to know the details. To be blunt, I hope the news does not report on the horrible details of what had happened to her. They should focus more on her family, and thier suffering.

I do not have the words to express how I am feeling.

She was young, and innocent. Nothing like this should happen to our children; to take them away from living, to take away their laugh or cry, to steal their smile!

I wish her family the best. They probably will not read this article. They have a duaghter who is no longer with them. I do not care if they do or not. It is not about that at all. It is about them, and other families who are suffering with a loss of a child, or a child's innocence.


I greive for her family at this time.

Stop the Violence 26-50

26. Attend PTA meetings
27. Control Your Attitude
28. Be a good exmple of tolerence
29. Fix the problem-not the blame
30. Be Patient
31. Create, not hate
32. Become a guest at the table of understanding
33. Listen! Not Lecture
34. Give a soft answer
35. Make nonviolence a career, not just a holiday
36. Be Kind
37. Take a child and a friend to a baseball game
38. Be gentle
39. Volunteer your services at Youth Corrections
40. Mend a quarrel
41. Manifest loyalty in word and action
42. Become a big brother or sister
43. Express your gratitude
44. Take Pleasure in the beauty and the wonder of the earth
45. Forgive Your Enemies
46. Laugh a Lot more
47. Welcome a Newcomer
48. Smiles at everyone you see
49. Embrace a friend
50. Dismiss suspicion, develop trust

Stop the Violence Part One

The Division of Youth Corrections has put together a hand out of 101 ways you can help in stopping the voilence. I really liked the hand-out, and feel there are things on the list we can all take a note of.

I will share the first 25 suggestions today, 25 tommorow, and so-on.

25 Ways YOU can help:

1) Make a Child Smile
2) Learn to walk in another's shoes
3) Refuse to hate
4) Be Slow to anger, slow to accuse, quick to tolerate
5) Speak out against hate
6) Learn about your neighbor's culture
7) Don't hit your kids
8) Don't hit anyone
9) Encourage State and Federal gun control legislation
10)Use-Courtesy-it's diarming
11)Teach children to respect themselves and others
12)Support your children's school activities
13)Be a mirror, not a microscope
14)Set a good example
15)Support the Alternative Athletic League
16)Take a deep breath and count to ten
17)Work for fairness
18)Talk with children
19)Listen to children
20)Help children develop sound vaule systems
21)Use Humor
22)Speak out for good social programs
23)Keep on trying; change comes slowly
24)Kids don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care
25)Keep your hands to yourself

Some of these things we have heard since childhood, and it is good to remember them.

SOARS Awareness

I was sent the below information:

Healing Through Works: Sexual Assault Activism

This workshop will provide insight on how sexual assault activism and victim rights advocacy serve as pivotal moments in sexual assault recovery.

Dr. Salamishah Tillet

Beyond Black & White: Race, Rape and The Popular CultureBy looking at recent high-profile cases and using feminist theory,critical race theory,cultural studies,and legal scholarship to better understand how race,gender,class and sexuality shape public perceptions of both sexual assault victims and assailants.


Rose Wagner
Center for the Performing Arts
138 West 300 South

April 4th 2008
WORKSHOPS:TIME: 9:00am - 11:45am

Scholarships are available by calling the Rape Recovery Center at:(801) 467-7282Registration is limited.Make checks payable to the Rape Recovery Center and mail,fax or email registration forms to Sarah at:s.french@raperecoverycenter.org or 2035 South 1300 East,SLC,Utah,84105.Call (801) 467-7282,ext.10 to register by phone or fax (801) 467-7280.For more information on this and other SAAM2008 events please see www.saamutah2008.com

Why?

I do have some people ask me; Why? Why do I write on child abuse, why do I care, and is it going to make a difference?



I am not going to put a stop to abuse. I know it is a battle thats has gone on forever, and will go on until the end of this life.

What I do hope, is I can make the difference in at least one person's life. I can provide hope, or courage for at least one person. For that person, I will make a difference. If one person changes, it is all I ask. Of course if there are ten, twenty, or even 100, I would know there was a difference made.

I have read articles were officers of the law have said, "It is to small of crime to really care." I have also read an article where someone said, "There is to much abuse out there to control it."

The whole goal is to make everyone more aware of the subject, and what is out there to help. If you are aware of a program in your local area, please let me know, and I can post the information.

Maybe they are correct. For me, anytime someone else is taken advantage of, it is a crime. Not matter how small the crime is, there is somebody being hurt.

The Sacredness of Children

With all the negative news being reported, we should focus more on the family, and how in our families we can make the difference. Our society and even our world can be a better place if we, as parents, raise our children and don’t let society raise them for us. I have selected four paragraphs from different resources on the topic of raising children and how the family is the most important structure in any government. I will not comment on any of them as I feel they are direct and tactful on the subject.

In the article The Father-Child Bond, Ron Huxley wrote, “Children need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide, and fathers can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social and spiritual activities.”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints presented a proclamation titled, The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Here is a paragraph from the article:

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

On the website, http://www.smartparentingadvice.com/ there is a great article on the subject.

The article is titled Parenting and Raising Children.

“Children depend on their parents and family members for encouragement,protection, and support as they learn to think for themselves. Children need a safe and loving home where they do not have to grow up in fear. If the child's dignity is safe, that is nobody encroaches upon a child physically or verbally, then he is able to learn. Children require a lot of love, patience, time, energy, money, and planning in order to give them the life they deserve. It takes two people to make a child and two people to raise him/her."

The last paragraph I will share is from the link http://guidance.gospelcom.net/family.htm

"We excuse ourselves by saying, "We don't spend much time together, but our time is quality time." This makes me wonder what one minute of "quality time" per day might include. Perhaps you will agree with me that quality time cannot exist apart from quantities of time."

"Another argument we use is: "My kids are young. If I'm not around that much for the first few years, it won't matter." This attitude fails to take into account the fact that many opportunities present themselves only once and only for a moment. A child is only two for one year. Toddlers do not remain toddlers for long. We must seize every opportunity to be together because none of us knows which moments are going to be locked forever into a child's memory. And none of us knows which experiences will mark turning points in a child's life.”


Each comment is blunt and to the point. We all need to do better. A friend also suggested checking out the videos of videos.lds.org.

Placement By Necessity

The below article was provided by an at-risk youth mentor. They are from his experiences, and are his comments.

When I first started working as an at-risk youth mentor, I have to admit I was a bit judgmental. The youth are in the system for some serious crimes, including burglary, sex offense, drugs, violence, etc. As I got to know some of the youth, I would think “they deserve to be here”. However, as I have familiarized myself with the system and gotten to know the boys, my mindset has changed some.

First, most of our clients come from a dysfunctional family and never learn how to interact on a “normal” level. Additionally, many of the youth we deal with have been in the system for a few years and have spent time in a secured facility (“prison” for minors, what our clients call “lockup”). This means they have spent a significant amount of time around other, more hardened, offenders (including homicidal schizophrenics and rapists). Unfortunately, this means that their peer group mentality and family teachings reflect a skewed outlook on life. I am no scientist, but it appears that this mentality may sometimes foster a quasi-Darwinist approach to living—they have not learned how to live, they have learned how to survive. Upon exiting the system, this same mentality follows the youth into the “real world”.

In conjunction with that, my understanding of the purpose of the system is to “catch them while they are young”, as I once heard on a prison movie. We want to keep them from committing crimes as to keep them from entering the adult prison system. In other words, our goal is to help the at-risk youth learn how to live (not just survive). This is a very difficult task because the majority of our clients come from a dysfunctional family—with parents who never taught them how to live and take care of themselves within the context of any moral framework. It thus becomes our purpose and responsibility to fill in the moral gaps, not only as an at-risk youth program, but as a society, to help these children learn to live. We must help them develop a moral framework compatible and consistent with the “real world” expectations, which will keep them out of the adult system and provide them a better life.

As I mentioned above, my mindset has changed. For the most part, I no longer think that our clients deserve to be in the system. Instead, I say to myself “they need” to be in the system, which is different. Placement by necessity is different than placement by merit. Placement by necessity allots an enormous amount of responsibility to “society” to ensure that the client’s mentality shifts from surviving to living. As society’s mentality shifts from “they deserve” to “they need” to be in the system, I believe our thoughts will turn to the neglectful childhood most of our clients come from. Hopefully, this mentality will foster a greater desire to provide the moral framework the at-risk “deserve.”

The Clothesline Project

Earlier this year, I visited The Clothesline Project. It was one of those events which leaves you thinking about your experience for days afterward. I learned some unbelievable statistics and read some very disturbing stories. I would like to share with you more about what the project is and also the statistics. If you do not want to read the rest of the article, please stop now.

To describe the scene I saw: It was at a local college and it took place at the ballroom. As you looked from the outside in, you would see rows of clotheslines.
There were maybe 15-20 clotheslines. Most of the lines are filled up with different colors of shirts. The last couple rows were mostly empty. The two rows were used for new shirts for those who want to share their horrific experiences.

The colors of the shirts show a different form of abuse and if the victim had survived from what they experienced. The meanings of the colors were written on a pamphlet I received:

White represents women who died because of violence
Yellow or beige represents battered or assaulted women
Red, pink, and orange are for survivors of rape and sexual assault
Blue and green t-shirts represent survivors of incest and sexual abuse
Purple or lavender represents women attacked because their
sexual orientation
Gray for survivors of verbal and/or emotional abuse
Brown for survivors of spiritual abuse
Black is for women attacked for political reasons

Each shirt also has a story to it. The story is either provided by those who were abused, a friend, or a family member of those who had not survived. The shirts are confidential. Unless a name is listed you do not know who these women are; you only know the tragic event which took place.

As I walked through the display, I became sick to my stomach and even wanted to walk away. I did not. In respect to the women, and even children, I continued on.
It was quiet, and it was if the ballroom had transformed to hollow ground. Everyone around was whispering, or just reading. Occasionally you could hear different sounds in the background. They were not loud enough to disturb the mood, but loud enough you could hear them.

The pamphlet I held spoke of the different sounds I was hearing.
“The gong is struck to indicate someone is being battered. Women are battered every 10 to 12 seconds in the United States. The whistle is being blown to indicate a reported rape. Keep in mind that most rapes are not reported. Every minute of every day more than one woman reports being raped in this country. The bell is rung to indicate that a woman has been killed in a violent attack. In the United States 3 to 4 women are killed by their lovers or husbands each day.”
[November 1993 National Victim Center Statistics]

I can not explain how I felt. I can not explain to you how much anger I had in me for those who take advantage of others in such selfish ways. The stories I read, I will never forget. I wish I could do more. There are not words I can use right now. I wish I could take the project into your home.

I would recommend checking your local area for the project. It is a great way to support and to fight this battle. I will end with a little about the history of the project. The next part is directly from the pamphlet I have been referring to. The project started in 1990, “when the Cape Cod Women’s Defense Agenda learned that 58,000 soldiers were killed during the Vietnam War, and during that same time 51,000 women in the United States were killed by men claiming to love them.”

(If you want to find out more about the history of the project or about the project please go to their website http://www.clotheslineproject.org/ )

Punishment?

I had an interested discussion this morning about the punishment for offenders who take advantage of our children. The topic was brought up with a comment similar to, "You get punished more for stealing a car than for abusing a child."

The debate was whether these offenders are being punished enough.

Do not get me wrong, stealing a car or someone's personal items is a crime. To me, it is more of a crime to hurt, abuse or take away a child's innocence.

What happens after the offender is released? They go to prison for a few years and are released. They are released back into our society. I am not a judge, and can not judge their actions. I just do not want anymore children affected. It is more likely they will hurt another child. They will be tempted to take advantage of children.

There are some offenders who prefer prison life; citing that they do not want hurt another child. They claim to feel this is the only way they are protected from their weaknesses. Why not increase their time in prison?


This will always be a heated discussion. There is no right answer on what to do. We all have are own ideas. I asking a friend he made some interesting points. His comments are below:

“There is no easy solution. Some have family of their own, some do not. However, if they are the sort of person that simply can not be productive for and within society, what purpose does it serve to charge society for this individuals misdeeds? I feel, personally, depending on the severity of the crime that execution may be the answer, expulsion may be another. However, the repeat offenders or "serious" offenders need to be dealt with harshly. Who knows what the proper response should be...but regardless, I honestly think that it harms society just as much to "punish" the just citizens by forcing them to pay for the upkeep of a criminal simply because by letting him free we would be damaging ourselves as well


I know there are different types of abuse and some cases are more severe than other cases; but are not all cases a form of abuse? No matter how much the child is hurt, they are still hurt and affected.

Support Groups

Sometimes the hardest thing is to know where to go for help. There are various support groups throughout the states. I will give you one example and then we can discuss what you can do to find a support group in your local area.

The Center for Women and Children in Crisis, Inc. in Orem, Utah offers free support groups for those who are victims of rape and sexual assault. The group meets every Wednesday from 6:00-7:30 p.m. Significant others are encouraged to attend to help in this time of healing. The group is ongoing and you can come anytime.

There is also a closed group, for rape survivors only, which meets for 16 weeks. If you are interested, you do need to call and set up an appointment. Please call 356-2511 for more information. You can call the number also for support, and it is open 24 hours.

The location of the center is 1433 East 840 North, Orem, Utah 84057.

If you are not located in Utah, you can call your local Department of Children and Family Services, check your local phone book, or even go on the internet and check a search engine for your local area. Each of these services act as great helps for anyone who has suffered and needs someone to turn.

I do not fully understand your pain, or those you love. Please use the resources above, or any resources to help in the pathway to healing and finding peace

Child Neglect

We have heard the stories; one could be a child is found starved from neglected parents, another is left in their car, a third child is left at a mall, and mother buys drugs instead of food for toddler. These are just a few examples of what are children are going through.

Healthline.net states, “Child neglect, also called psychological abuse, is a form of child abuse. It occurs when someone intentionally does not provide the child of the necessities of life, or does so with reckless disregard for the child's well being. Such necessities include food and water for healthy growth, shelter, clothing, and medical care. They child may also lack a safe environment, and adult emotional support. The abuser may ignore, insult, or threaten the child with violence.”

Of course most of us provide our children with shelter, food, and clothing. What we need to do more is to give our children time with us. Video games, television, and other activities where children spend their time away from their parents are forms of neglect if not managed from a loving parent.

There is the saying, “All I have to do is put a movie on for my kids, and I have all the time in the world to do what I want to do.” I do not see it is a problem for an hour or so, but it is when it becomes five or six hours a day. It becomes a problem when your children are spending more time with Disney. Do not get me wrong, if you are having one of those days, when you wonder why you ever become a parent, it is all right to put a movie in for your kids, and take a break like a bath or another stress reliever. (You just do not want to do it all day, every day.) I would rather have someone take a bath, and let their kids watch a movie, than beat the child.

Another form of neglect, which has been in the news more lately, is when a careless parent leaves a child in the vehicle. This may happen when they run errands, go into the grocery store, or even a party. (Yes, there recently was a mother who went into a bar, and left their infant child into the car, as she drank and partied.) These are all forms of neglect, and most states do have tickets and fines for such acts. You may have to deal with the department of children and family services.

One of the most horrific forms of neglect is addiction. You may be asking: how is addiction a form of neglect? First off, with addiction you are addicted to a substance which will take you away from time with your children. Another reason a lot of the time addiction behaviors have huge costs. The addicted will use funds from food for their children to cover their cost for addictive behavior. They get so involved with their own personal selfishness; they fail to provide their children with what they need.

We all need to spend more time with our children. Read to our children every day. When we became parents, we decided to put our children first in our lives. We will find some of our old hobbies, activities, and leisure time will not be the same.

We should feel grateful, that we are parents, and have these children trusted enough in our care to provide for.

Real Life Neglect Experience

My friend, the at-risk youth mentor, shared with me about a client he was working with. This is what he shared with me about the client:

"You wouldn’t think it when looking at him, but he is an Eagle Scout. His rough exterior and apparent lack of ambition hide his true talent. He knows a lot about computers. In fact, comparatively speaking, he is one of the smartest kids that have gone through our program. However, his rough exterior and apparent lack of ambition are not an outward manifestation of social deviancy, but rather they seem to be a direct result of parental neglect. His mother committed suicide when he was young, and he scarcely knows his father, who lives only about 45 minutes north of where our client currently resides. He entered our program about one month ago. He turned to drug abuse, probably to cope with his mother’s death, at a young age. Where is his father?

Neglect—it must stop."

Child Abuse Prevention 5K Fun/Walk & Kids Walk

The question I see the most is: What can we do?

For those of you in the Western States, on April 19th there will be a 5K run. The focus of the 5K will be dedicated in making people more aware of child abuse. Since April is child abuse prevention month, this will be a great opportunity for all of us. This will be something we all can do in helping the battle against child abuse.
For anyone who wants to participate, it is a fun run. You can run, walk or push a stroller. The important thing is to be there and to participate.
If you register before April 16th, the cost is $15.00 for adults and $5.00 for children under 12. Checks should be made out to the United Way. After April 16th, the cost will be $20.00, and $8.00 per child.
I will try to post an application that you can print off on this site. For now you can email sknadler@utah.gov or pick one up at the Provo Police Department.
The race will start at 9:00 a.m. at 1600 West 500 North in Provo (Paul Reams Wilderness Park). Please arrive Please arrive no later than 8:30am.
T-shirts will be given to everyone who registers for the race and there will be a raffle.
All proceeds will be used towards Child Abuse Prevention Activities.

Child Abuse Prevention Month
5K Fun Run/Walk & Kids Walk
Paul Reams Wilderness Park
1600 West 500 North, Provo, Utah

Fear of what will happen!

First off, I have never been abused. I will never understand what goes on in the mind of someone who has been abused. I will never understand how scared they are, or how afraid they are of the persons who are abusing them.

I am honestly someone who wants to help, and hopefully make a change in people's lives.

I have studied, talked, worked with those who have been abused. I have taken classes on the subject. I have even worked in group therapy on different subjects, and various age groups.

What I have observed and noticed, there is fear in the lives of the abused. It is an undescribable fear.

Here is an interesting fact: The abusers are usually very good at getting away with abuse!

You are probably thinking; what does that mean?

Let me explain. Most people assume child-abusers are living in poor communities, jobless, struggling to find means, homeless, or just down right the person living by him/herself.

We need to make sure we understand: Anyone can be!

Fact is, child abusers are usually very manipulative, narcissitic, friendly, and even out-going.

There is no way of knowing who is actually an abuser. In fact, they are someone who is well-respected in their community, their church, or even their neighborhood. That is why the fight is so hard to fight.

That brings me back to fear, and the victims being abused. Since those who are abusing them, are looked as great people from their peers, the victim's are afraid no one will beleive them. Or the abuser might abuse them more, kill them, or hurt their families.

In fact, the abuser will tell them, "If you tell anyone I will hurt your family. You get the idea.

I believe these are a few of the reasons child abuse is such a taboo subject, and the fight is not getting fought.

Experience from A Youth Mentor

I have received a few e-mails about the outcomes of abuse, or the actions abuse can lead to. Let me share with you one such e-mail.

The e-mail was provided by an at-risk youth mentor, from a local youth center. I have kept all names out of the e-mail, and the company he/she works for. We can talk about confidentiality another time, or the reason you will never find any names listed on the website.

He/She emailed me about the youth he/she works for, and a personal experience from his/her family:

“Most of our clients come from dysfunctional situations. Many of them have been physically abused, sexually abused, or emotionally abused or neglected. One of our clients comes from such a household. His mother committed suicide when he was only 11 years old. His father has committed several felonies and may be on the way to prison. It is no wonder that this client was confused on how to cope with his difficult circumstances. As a teenager he moved in with his girlfriend. He burglarized a local facility to get money to buy methamphetamines. He was placed in lock up and has been in and out of programs for the last few years until he ended up with us. He suffers from depression and ended up getting in more trouble in our program. He was then sent to a more secure program (meaning lock up or juvenile detention) for 30 days and now is in a more secure program until he is released. I doubt the counseling he has received really gave him direction. All this was due to the dysfunction in his life. Our client’s lives all reflect something similar. Several of them were abused.

Similarly, my own uncle was abused as a foster child. At age 11 he was adopted, but by that time he was smoking. Shortly thereafter he got into drugs. He later robbed a gas station and was sent to prison. The state then offered him two options: serve in Vietnam or fulfill the remainder of his sentence. He chose Vietnam. Already addicted to drugs, he got in to opium while in Vietnam. His addiction was so serious that that discharged him. My grandmother pleaded his case and the military mercifully extended him an honorable discharge. Upon return, he got into more trouble. He eventually died while drunk and swimming at age 32.”